Monday, July 30, 2012

New lifestyle calls for elimination of 24 hours

Le sigh. Sunday deemed itself effective, once again, in begrudging me of my productivity. It's a skill that the holy day has honed to perfection over the ages as humanity continues to fight the fruitless Sunday battle. Shit's never gonna change. Lazy Sundays - redundant, no?

I'm not surprised, mad or ashamed at what the fin to my weeks has recently come to: They're a mix of shitty terrific reality TV shows (Queer Eye for the Straight Guy today), light-reflecting grease-filled hair, and optional (nonexistent) showers. Sundays are occasionally marked with a futile attempt at cleaning and/or crossing off some of those tasks that linger heavily on my to-do list. It's a silly lie to myself that lasts no more than 17 minutes; by which point either a sudden bout of narcolepsy strikes or the Internet calls my name. I think that many share the same weekly experience. (Y/N?)

From age 4 to 13-ish (vague.. I'm unsure as to when the whole "church" policy sort of faded away) Sunday meant church. Church meant waking up early and doing things that, as a kid, neither piqued my interest nor did they involve chillzone, eating, or sleeping. I dreaded it. Not to mention the unbearable religious education classes in a chilly parish church basement alongside my peers whose interest in their religious upbringing was closer to none than some. An hour-long class marked another sad concluding weekend and what I saw as a waste of a day to come. Even after the whole "church" thing ended for me, Sundays remained as they were: slow and sad, thus purposefully uneventful due to a stubborn reluctance to admit that tomorrow was Monday. Any attempt at, well, anything, was weighed down with the heavy Monday burden and the belittling tick-tock of a clock that reminded me of what lay ahead: five whole days straight without one single Saturday.

It wasn't until recently that I finally accepted Sundays for what they are. For me, there really is no point in trying to do more than necessary on a Sunday . The trying turns into giving up and the giving up turns into a feeling of defeat and the feeling of defeat trails on your ass through the early week. Why there is a correlation between my completion of scrubbing the bathroom floor and my self-esteem, I am unsure, but I find that trying to get shit done on a Sunday has never, and will never, be a thing. (OK Gretchen?? Mean Girls anyone!?) It's a day of hardcore rest and softcore self-indulgence.

That acceptance led me to my fresh-to-death lifestyle and proposed self-help book; I plan to call it The Six-Day Week: Make the Most of Your Life By Continuing to do Absolutely Nothing on Sunday. The back will read, "Smith's new plan is refreshingly rejuvenating. Her guilt-free approach to life through elimination of the seventh day is incredibly innovative." - New York Times. "A must-read for anyone who thinks that working out on a Sunday while trying to nurse an incurable hangover is an OK idea. Deeply thought-provoking. Sundays - if they do not cease to exist - will never be the same." - USAToday. "A fine piece of self-help literature. I advise you to not to attempt to read The Six-Day Week on a Sunday," -NY Daily News.

Inside the book will be tips and advice on transforming your life to avoid feeling like a pile of lard on Sunday while still enjoying the same things that piles of lard do. The book will discourage readers from homework, Microsoft Excel, and errands while encouraging simple pleasures like four-hour naps and staring into space. There will be easy-to-follow steps toward the perfect Sunday and readers will learn how to fill eight hours with absolutely nothing.

I think it's genius and could go for billions, what about you guys? IDK, maybe it's just better to tell everyone to CTFO (chill the fuck out) every once in a while. But it's easier said than done. I can only share that, since following my own Six-Day Week plan, life has gotten a lot better.

I'm seeing now that the title sounds like something that you'd find in the book section of Urban Outfitters next to the flasks with offensive and inappropriate photos of Native Americans and useless tchotchkes and knick-knacks that were made overseas but it's okay because they have funny slogans and/or mustaches on them. But whatever, gotta start somewhere! I don't think CEO and Douchebag Richard Hayne would mind taking off Sundays to do what he does best. That is, nothing good. Would the six-day plan work for him?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Feedback needed! New addition to MadQuest.

You know how people have their little music/meatless/thirsty/travel Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday feature? I want to do something like that. Like, Cereal Tuesday! And I'll venture into the world of one cereal every Tuesday and give a quirky review because cereal is quirky and I'll take dumb but funny pictures of the cereal in action while I pretend that I am an avid food blogger. Or something along those lines.
I want YOU to tell me what you want to read about every week. Should I do a movie review Thursday? Book recommendation Sunday morning? Political Saturdays? Of course, the titles would be much punnier and the content would be entertaining and mildly thought-provoking. My interests include, but are not limited to: cats, vegetables, live music, and guilt-free magazine reading.

Comments and suggestions required or I will block you from viewing my page.

Inconsistency. It's in my nature

My absence on this blog shouldn't even be addressed anymore. Ok? I do what I want and you and this fast-paced world won't pressure me. You will never make me feel like a failure for my continual negligence, laziness and overall inconsistency. I am better than the social construct that you call the web and I do not and will not feel tied to a deadline; I won't be tamed! You know, it's better to be spontaneous; it keeps readers on their feet right? I like to think of this blog more as a  scholarly journal of sorts. Many will take offense to that statement. Either way, IDGARA (I don't give a rat's ass) because I post and I receive encouragement and everything is fine. That's how most things work, no? The fact that I haven't blogged in a few weeks is a complete understatement in comparison to some REAL failures in our history: Bobby Flay, Ryan Seacrest, anyone? And even they're doing alright.

That said, I'm back! I, like the farmers of America, have suffered from a drought; my drought, however, is a little different, and I don't think I'm experiencing equally harsh repercussions. It's a drought of anything other than working, sleeping, eating, driving, running and chillaxing. (Doesn't that sound like a handful? It's not. Trust me). Serious chillaxing. Books upon books upon books upon Netflix upon food upon nothing. Basically, I've been treating myself. Not to say that writing isn't a treat, but when I'm in an infinite chillzone, blogging ain't my priority. Sorry, folks. (Hopefully my mind doesn't wander to chillzone when the semester starts... but I guess I'm not really REQUIRED to write for The Lamron. I just have to, you know, tear apart everyone else's writing. Just kidding)........

But I feel the rain now; the drought is over and it's time for me to reload and recharge; here we go I'm back and ready to roll! My time off was enjoyable but I can only diddle-daddle for so long until that voice in my head says, "Hey, you're not contributing to anyone or anything by watching all of Seinfeld in four days. Stop that!" And I'm like, shit, you're right, dude! And I experience a complete turnaround and chillzone gets a harsh but necessary makeover. That's excluding these next two weeks during which I plan to plop myself on the couch to watch the most fit, most toned, most sexy and chiseled figures, fine tuned to perfection, competing for my heart. The Olympics, I mean. I do not have a dowry.

But all that is a mindless stream of consciousness that you don't care about. Hehe, sorry! I hope you enjoyed my most inner thoughts. What you WILL care about is what I'm about to share.

It's a beautiful thing that I discovered this week, and I think you all should Google it sometime. An elusive object, you may have heard your grand or great-grandparents talking about it at some point when you weren't listening, but probably should have. No, not the five-and-dime where they bought candy cigarettes and salt water taffy. I'm talking about something bigger, something better. Think worldwide, think:


Any of those creatively-placed "at" signs or asterisks help in ringing that bell?

Sure, you've seen it in the movies and you've watched Shark Week; maybe you took a hike sometime this summer; or possibly you and your friends hit up the beach with a 30-rack of BLL (Bud Light Lime). I sure spent a good while in a retirement community, as I shared earlier, in Florida and watched fireworks next to a lake on July 4th. Oh yeah, I also sat in the lawn seats at a concert two weeks ago.

But how often do we find ourselves COMPLETELY immersed in nature? No cars, no roads, sidewalks,  iPods, blogs, condoms, nadda that. Think about it, seriously. Have you taken a trip into the woods lately? If you're nodding - hell yeah! If you're still thinking, then see what I'm saying? If you're just not into nature at all, then you should probably stop reading and continue with your lifestyle. Nothing for you to see here, my Apple-and-everything-technology-and-media-including-but-not-limited-to-Pinterest-and-Reddit obsessed friend.
Mom & Doug's Fantasyland

For everyone else whose interest I may have sparked, I was lucky enough to spend a few nights at Mom & Doug's (See Engineer post) this week; it's a house placed gently into a sparklingly preserved neck of woods that falls among the blanket of trees that covers the rolling hills of sunny upstate NY. The house and its surrounding entities (Adirondack chairs, previously seen lean-to, extra garage full of knick-knacks) disturb as little as possible and coexist with the harmless greenery. Ferns make the best neighbors; their casseroles for our annual block party are awesome (hehe. Was that lame? Sorry).

I also had the privilege of touring an organic dairy farm last week - UH-mazingly cool. Mom's was a little more pleasant when it came to really, you know, "breathing in" the nature, as it wasn't filled with the pungent scent of manure but hey, it's natural! Plus, the cows were really cute and I milked from their udders! Harder than it look, guys. Try it some time.

Nature never, ever, ceases to amaze me. Sunsets, clouds, lakes, rivers, ponds, grass, rocks (nature's rocks), trees, ferns, flowers, sand (nature's sand), leaves, tides, stars, sun, moon. Incredible.

Pocahontas (see right) agreed and said that what she loved most about rivers was that "you can't step in the same river twice." (I am aware that was from the Disney rendition of her story - partly accurate, mostly untrue. They took away some of the violence and terror. That does NOT mean the film isn't beautifully heart-wrenching).
True though, isn't it? Her quote, I mean. An experience or sight in nature will never be duplicated. The walls and ceilings of this giant room around you incessantly change. When you plop yourself into nature, you start in one environment and five minutes later, it's gone. It's incredibly fascinating, breath-taking, and natural. Nature.

To prove my point, I took some hella awesome photos of said nature, and I hope that readers will take the initiative to discover for themselves the beauty of our spinning Earth: They won't disappoint!

Woods. Forestry. (see above) Whenever I walk through vacant woods, I feel like a character in a fantasy novel. A warrior of sorts. (Xena: Warrior Princess?) Or a lost maiden. Idk, maybe it's just because I'm reading Game of Thrones right now (Yeah whatever, guys. I'm doing it and I've almost done it, so chill. It happened, alright? It's a page turner!). But I don't think that has an effect because I definitely felt like that when I roamed the forests at a younger age. And GOT wasn't around in the '90s to early 2000s.

 Clouds. (see left) Constantly shifting and changing. They're like those moving pictures you find at New Age Creations in your local mall. You know, the ones where the waterfalls look kind of, not really, real? Well yeah, like that. But this is real and does not spew the scent of patchouli throughout my car and house.

Check out that awesome sun and water photo on the right. I'm pretty sure that's something that you could StumbleUpon. You know, like "20 Images of Nature you NEED to See Today" and people scroll through in a heartbeat and then Stumble their way to the next ADHD-inducing page. But this one was real. And I stopped stumbling when I got there.

Just awesome. Lakes are the epitome of my love for nature. That's all. Vast, enchanting, and less salt and speedos than the Jersey Shore, lakes are the ideal home base for all ages; dogs included. I even took this one with Instagram to show how hip-hoppin nature can be! See guys, you can wear your Toms here! Free Wi-Fi, too!

So I leave you with that. A pointless post to celebrate my homecoming into the productive 9-to-5 world that just doesn't have a spare minute to pencil these sights in. So long, chillzone and your lush offering of relaxation and comfortable nothingness. I bid you farewell.

(Had to toss the sunset in as a final note. It worked, right? Are there tears in your eyes? Same.)